Dealing with a break-up when you still care

“We built sandcastles that still washed away. I made you cry when I walked away. Although I promised that I couldn’t stay, baby- every promise don’t work out that way.”

I’m not dealing. But I’m trying.

But here’s where I am right now. I’m trying to be friends. But when I think you’ve moved on already, that hurts… and I feel pathetic trying to remain your friend. I feel pathetic when you reach out to me and try to keep this friendship. Because I  don’t understand why we can go somewhere in a friendship but not in a relationship. Because yeah, I’m jealous of the girl you mentioned twice yesterday, and  I’m sad that I’m sad and I can’t think about any of it without crying, that I can’t type this without crying.

I’m frustrated and sad and I feel weak that I cried in a class last week, while the lights were off and the movie was rolling.

I’m sad that I could go to your apartment and get away, but now I lost that chance and that if I got it back, it wouldn’t be the same.

I’m not sad that I don’t care about this grammar right now. And I’m happy that I can type.

But I’m SAD that when I think I have moved on, I prove to myself, quite clearly, quite wholeheartedly, disappointingly, and maddeningly, that I have not.

I’m sad that I’m jealous of the girl with the greenish-brownish eyes, what do you call that color, because maybe I wanted to spend time with you until 3am teasing you about music and tossing looks your way. I’m sad because maybe you offered, and I was too tired to stay.

I’m sad because of the potential that was lost. I’m sad because I’m unhappy with myself right now and am waiting until the summer to change all of that.

I’m sad that I can burst out into tears in the middle of the day, in the morning, in the afternoon, at night, at midnight, at any moment, second, time, at any thought. I’m sad that I don’t feel like I have anything together. I’m sad I had you and  I don’t. I’m sad that I’m having to flip flop on you because I don’t know what I want. I’m trying to be kind and selfless and I’m failing. I want to be there for you if you need me but I don’t feel like you do, and I don’t see why you would. I’m sad because I’m TRYING so hard, within myself, and it would be much easier to let you go. I’m good at that. I’ve done that before and hardly looked at the person I left standing. Or sitting. Or hugging their knees- if it felt anything like this does.

I’m sad because I’m not me right now. and maybe if I was, I’d still have you. I’m sad because maybe I just didn’t deserve you. Or maybe you didn’t deserve me. Or both. Because it can be both.

I’m sad because I don’t know if it was the right timing, God’s timing, the wrong timing. It feels wrong, but maybe I’m just not looking for God like I used to.

I asked my friend Melissa if she missed going to Church.

She replied, “No, I miss wanting to go.”

And boy, could I understand. Could I empathize.

I miss wanting to go.

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