I’ve been seeing everyone share the bad and the good about their year, and I decided that I should try and do the same to truly reflect on my year.
While there were good, even great, things about my 2016, overall reflecting on the year just made me have to hold back tears (which my therapist suggested I should stop doing- oops).
Because, while I might have managed to be on e-board for various clubs, while I managed to attend events, while I managed to hold conversations and still seem somewhat nonchalant and social, how I really felt on the near daily overpowered any sense of positivity in my 2016. In this year, I felt distant, absent, not present, hurt, confused, unfocused, incredulous, frustrated, distracted, and stupid for believing in things that looked so golden.
Every day this semester, my mind was on what I had to do next or what had come before something rather than what was going on in the moment. My mind would switch from topic to topic, and I was never focused on anything.
I was anxious to run into people because I was always in my mind. What in the world could I possibly say to them? Would we just have to be silent? Because ohmygosh, the effort. Oh, and I have to go to this event right now, so catch you later.
If I did manage to have a conversation, could I focus long enough to really remember the things they mentioned? The names, the major, or the place they were from?
Even getting all A’s at the end of this semester doesn’t feel like any feat. I had no pride when I saw my report card. Getting out of bed and getting to class was an effort, but the level of concentration I had in class felt bare minimum. I had actually told my therapist at SPS that if I had to do more work, I probably would have failed each class. I can tell you the gist of what I learned but no intricacies. And that both frustrates me and makes me sad.
This year blurred by, with some spots of bliss (aye- optimist here, I gotta acknowledge it somewhere), and I am grateful for friends and opportunities and trips.
I am grateful for waking up each day, but I’m also frustrated with how I immediately get distracted and have racing thoughts as soon as I wake up.
For the sake of it, good things that happened:
- internship, 2. published poem, 3. made new friends, 4. Puerto Rico trip, 5. Mexico City trip, 6. nice professors who tolerated and encouraged me 7. sitting outside in the sun, 8. having a really nice roommate who gave me a card and a hug on her last day
But writing about the year still reminds me of negative flipsides, and it makes me scared to see 2017 play out the same way.
So, it’s very hard for me to write positive or cheery things about this year.
However, I am thankful for another year and to hopefully leave bad habits and negative relationships in 2016.
I’m still confused, unfocused, and very frustrated at being so distracted.
But- I’m hoping for better in 2017, and I think it’s going to happen.