Gains vs. Losses

Both sophomore and junior year contained major L’s by the name of friendships lost. There were people that I lost trust in over this span of time, but there were two big friendships lost. The first one I really do not care about at all anymore. It was more so the way that person ended up making me see myself in such a negative light that caused me so much grief. The second person? Well, sometimes that one still hurts. I guess I’ll leave it there. Because it’s true. It’s hard for me to frame the second one in “their loss”. Because I think about the friendship that I thought I had, and it’s hard to know that it was built on a false premise because it didn’t feel that way. It felt like multiple things. It felt like a chance. It felt like a close friend. And it felt like I was important. So when it turned out that those things weren’t true or weren’t as true as they could have been, then it hurt. And sometimes, I focus more on the gains. But sometimes, it’s hard not to go back over the losses again and again. In disbelief mainly. And envisioning various scenarios. But here I am. Wanting to have moved on from that so much. Sometimes accomplishing, sometimes failing. Wondering.

But. I want to concentrate on hope. I want to go back over all of my friendship gains. Because yeah, there might have been people crawling out of two windows, but damn, they opened a door. And my friends have more than shown up to my party. I love them. Sometimes I forget them. Sometimes I don’t answer their calls. I can be flaky. I can lack communication. But at the end of the day, when I see them, man, do I love them.

Note: The above description of love is a little strong for some of these people haha. I do like them all! But some of them just made an impact in being a nice person this year and spending some amount of time with me. Others, like Melissa, Yi Ning, and Adrian, well, they get to take a spoonful of frosting and eat it. They’re just that sweet of an addition to my life.

So, these are my gains. When I’m tempted to think about my losses, I’ll think about y’all instead.

Melissa Martinez – accountability partner and the realest homie. I forgot she didn’t like hugs, but she gives them to me anyway.

Arvin Sutedja – understated homie. donated a lot to my film, which mean a lot to me. had a lot of fun with him in Laguna Beach.

Darlin Valentine – my little! she does a better job of reaching out to me than vice versa.

Mariel Sosa – my bike riding girl.

Yi Ning Wong – my spring semester everythiiiing.

Yi Ming Zhou – part of the crew I messaged my way into haha.

Paola Franco – power girl.

Jackee Alvarez – sister whether or not we are in the same sorority.

Adrian Narayan – dating not dating. love love. I’ve been missing my usual guy crew from home, but that’s only because I overlook how Adrian is one of my best friends.

Dion Dang/Fatima Beck/Chrystal Shek – Underwings bbs.

Cameron Kuwada – Series of Unfortunate Events was lit. Sometimes I think he hates me, and sometimes I know that we’re all right.

Alexis Hall – “I hate youuuu” pshh. That’s the most endearing “I hate you” that I’ve ever heard. ❤

FT – SO COOL.

Yo Yo – AHHH.

Lu Han – Lu ❤

Khalilah Windham – went upstairs after the screening to search for mine on the server. that meant a lot.

Anika Jess – MY YG BB.

Daniel Polo – so genuine and manages to stop and have lengthy conversations with me whenever I see him out of class.

Alayna Kobayashi – going places girl. going places.

Athena Martinez – AHH ATHENAAA.

Tiffany Nguyen – included later because Tiffany has been a homie since freshmen year. has seen me at my worst, listened to my worst, and still let me pick up Tatsu from her fridge and accidentally crash on her couch. that’s my g.

Mexico City Crew + MEChA (Carlos, Marc, Kevin, Sofia, Bri Ortiz, Tabitha, Angel, Antonio) – damn, could there have been anyone better? no.

Han Tao&Film Crew – who needs to go to Han Tao when I know half of them outside of it anyway? jk. we’ll go.

Friends of Friends crew – they made an impact too.

——-

spent too much time staring in that rearview mirror. the two L’s I took? Psh.

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